Not a fan.

I recently started reading the book "Not a fan" by Kyle Idleman, and I can't even put into words the conviction that was placed on my heart. I couldn't really explain what I felt, but for some reason, it came out in poetry! So here lies ugliness of my heart and the goodness of God recorded on paper (well, and the internet now.)
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I.. am a fan.
Jesus touched me with His words, showed me truth, opened my eyes to see
Healed my wounds, mended my heart
Showed me what it meant to believe
I will always remember the ways He spoke to me
Songs He wrote for me, prayers prayed over me
For those things helped build my faith
You see, I am a fan.
I've seen Your miracles, watched you move
Felt Your spirit fill the room
Then I'd tell people what I've seen, tell them my stories
convince them to believe..
Little did I know, it became all about me.
I became so impressed with my accumulated knowledge
giving wisdom to the weary, pretending like "I've got this"
In church, I'd stand behind the woman crying out on her knees
Praying right behind her saying "Oh Father, help her please."
Little did I know, I'm the one with the disease
Wearing clothes that say "Jesus LOVES you!" to hide the inner pharisee
Pretty soon, I became a scout for opportunity
searching for souls , that I could restore
to build the reputation of MY ministry
I ran to the confused, kept a look out for the broken
I loved helping the hurt because it made me FEEL like an effective christian
My bookshelves layered with books
that speak of growing in relationship with God
Collecting dust as i touch up my rotting flesh,
counting attendance at my own synagogue..
But I saw the way others praised the Lord,
mentioning His goodness in every sentence
I rolled my eyes, and walked away, my heart too hard for repentance
My ministries started crumbling, my followers became distant
they began blowing this "faith" stuff off- they developed a resistance
"Oh Lord, help them see! Let 'em know the truth will set them free!"
Little did I know, the one at fault here-- Was me.
Too spiritual for a savior, too blind to see the light
Too prideful to raise my hand and admit, Christ has never been the LEADER of my life
I'm a fan. Not a follower. I'm just screaming from the stands,
"Jesus is MY Lord, see how worthy I AM!"
Woe is me, for I have led people astray
claiming to follow Jesus, while leading people my way
God, why would you stay with me, stand by my side?
Forgive me of the madness that i've harbored deep inside?
But then You remind me, Your goodness doesn't stop
just because i've failed  you and forgotten how to walk
BEHIND you, not before you, You were meant to lead the way
You are the perfect Shepard, leading Your sheep to the gate
where lives are made new, hearts made whole
People satisfied in the love of Jesus, declaring HE is their all.
You see, We were never meant to just be admirers,
to just sit in the stands, watching other hearts catch fire
We were MADE to KNOW Him, created to seek His face
to walk right behind Him, give HIM glory and praise
--For no one is righteous, no not ONE of us
We all need redemption: the saving blood of Jesus.
So WASH me in Your purity, take my old life away
Help me drop the habits I'll have to put down everyday
Create in me a NEW heart, one that seeks to please You
I praise You for Your goodness, because God, I really need you.
The blood of Christ has saved my life,
and I will never understand.
But I do know, my name is Kaitlin
and I am not a fan.