Midnight Thoughts

** I wrote this October 23, 2013-- And I forgot to post it-- Woops!**

Maybe I’ll read a book.
Maybe I’ll study this.
Anything I can do to pull this heart out of the abyss

Of emptiness. Loneliness. Insecurity at best.

Watching as the time ticks, life-- feeling meaningless.

I look around me at the victories achieved,
Lessons learned, messages received.

And ask quietly within the depths of my heart—Why can’t it be about me?

“Take up your cross and follow me”

Were words not for comfort, but of suffering.
Suffering to become the best YOU you can be

By denying, refusing and saying no to yourself—Daily.

In a world that glorifies self- sufficiency,
my efforts are failing—miserably.

You healed the doubter, the dead, the blind and the lame

With a touch of your hand or the sound of Your name

The demons left without you uttering a word,

For they feared your authority, they knew who you were.

Such miracles, so fascinating, so glorious and majestic
So when I ask you for help in the small things, why do I feel so pathetic?

My heart, my heart. Always confusing it’s place

On the throne in the center or dead beneath the grave

Its all about you, all about your Glory

Its not about me, it’s not my Story.

Help me to find the joys of walking right behind you,

Learning more about your heart, with my eyes fixed on the view

Of the Man who holds my heart, my future and my destiny
So lucky to be found by the One who dearly loves me.

The Underdog.

The Parable of the Barren Fig Tree:
as told by Kaitlin.

Luke 13: 6-9
" A man planted a fig tree in his garden and came again and again to see if there was any fruit on it, but he was always disappointed. Finally, he said to his gardener,  'I've waited three years, and there hasn't been a single fig! Cut it down. It's just taking up space in the garden."

**Pause at this point for commentary thoughts**

"Aggh. Okay, I know what happens next. This is the part where you say 'Chop it down dude! Throw it in the fire!' 
There isn't any room for fruitless trees, I know, I know.

And then as I continue to read, I was baffled by what Jesus (the gardener) said to the man.

"The gardener answered, 'Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I'll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer. If we get figs, next year, fine. If not, then you can cut it down."

Hmmm. I'm pretty sure I've read this story before, but it has never struck me like this.

Different situations began flooding my mind of times that I treat people like the impatient man yelling at the gardener saying "Cut down the tree already! It's a waste."

Like the person that goes to church that can never seem to 'get it right.'
Those that raise their hands in worship, yet lead a totally different life when they leave the door.
The alcoholic friend who promises a thousand times they'll stop, and they continue.
The needy person who keeps promising to turn their life around, yet continues begging for  your money, a shelter, and food. 
The flaky friend that makes empty promises and commitments that leave you angry and disappointed.
People that do wrong, blasphemous, or violent things under the name of Jesus.
Cut them down Jesus!

But Jesus responded to this man in a way that defies all logic and all reasoning. 
"Let them have just one. more. chance"
"Let me love them, and give them special attention"

All throughout the Bible, Jesus continually roots for the underdog.

un·der·dog

  [uhn-der-dawg, -dog] 

noun

1.	the competitor least likely to win a fight or contest
2.	a person in adversity or in a position of inferiority

Rarely ever does Jesus focus his attention on the 'righteous' or 'religious leaders'. No, He came to save what was lost. Those who were broken. The weak who without Him, had nothing going for them. Those who needed someone just to give them one more chance and rip off the label that declared them to be worthless, purposeless, a waste.

In a world that believes that the "Survival of the Fittest" is the way we should live, it is so easy for us to develop a temperament that screams self achievement,  all the while forgetting about the grace that has pulled us through in the first place.
All of us are broken, and are in desperate need of someone to give us a second chance. 

It's easy to give up on those who have continually disappointed us, yet so hard to realize the amount of times we should have disappointed Jesus. The many times He should have just given up on our stubbornness and moved on to someone who would be more receptive. 
But instead, 
He saw us, and pleaded on our behalves to just have a little more time with us.
A little more time to work on our hearts so that one day they would come to love Him. 

Aye. 

Unfortunately, judgment is so much easier to dish out than grace sometimes. 
But thankfully, Jesus came to restore that in us, and make us a people that choose to be people's advocates rather than their adversaries. 

What a sweet, and a loving 'Gardener' we have in Jesus.

We thank You for always rooting for us: your crazy, messed up kids--
The Underdogs.

A Piece of Gum.

So, if you know anything about me, you know that I used to have a SERIOUS gum addiction. I'm talkin' about a pack a day kind of addiction.

15 Sticks= One Day= In One Mouth, well maybe a few mouths.

Because I was notorious for always having gum, that meant everyone and their mom always knew the go to girl for a good chew.  Well, I had one particular individual that almost every day for two years would say "Do you have gum? Can I have some?" So, very frequently I would pull out a piece of gum (with a fake smile-- Yes, that's right. Don't even lie by telling me you give away gum cheerfully), and say Sure! And give one to them.
I've come a long way though, I no longer have an addiction to gum. However, one night I was really craving some. So, I saw that this person (discussed earlier) was giving out a piece to a friend, so I asked if I could have a piece. This person said "Ahh, here." And ripped a little piece off and gave me 2/3 of a stick. WHAT?! Was my first reaction. So I popped the fragment of gum in my mouth and started thinking: " I have given this person like a thousand pieces of gum, and when I ask for one, I get a little chunk! Hmmph." -.-

Oh, and we all know moments like these are all great teaching opportunities for Jesus. So here he comes with His soft whisper:
" Kaitlin, how often do you give me just a "segment" of what I have given you and blessed you with, when I have given you so much?"
---Yeah Kaitlin, why DO you do that!---
Dang it.
No longer am I disappointed in the person next to me, I'm disappointed in myself!

So often when God asks for something of ours whether it be time, money, a relationship, an opportunity, a possession, we usually do one of two things:
1. But Goooooooood, It's mine.
2. Or, we say okay "Fine." And give him just a small portion that won't compromise our comfort or cause us pain.

Romans 12:1-2 says:
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. ² Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

We are beckoned to give ourselves up as a sacrifice--
The kind He will find acceptable.

Not 1/3, 1/2, or 3/4 of my life-- All of it. 

The true way to worship the Father is through surrender. 
______________________________

sur·ren·der [suh-ren-der]:

verb

1. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield

______________________________

Most would agree that when we are told to surrender our lives to God, the first fear that comes to mind is that God is going to take all the good things away. Which He might..  to replace them with the best things. In the verse above, it talks about giving up our lives to God and letting Him transform us which, in turn, opens the doors for us to know His will for us-- Which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Surrender is usually painful because it is the very thing we don't want. Our flesh wants what our flesh wants. By surrendering, we are laying down our control over these very things and submitting it to the Lord. However, surrender is an act of forming our will to His, which in the end is an incredibly beautiful thing. And like mentioned before-- His will is good, pleasing and perfect.

It comforts me to know that God is always for our good--Especially in the times when He does take something away, and we are left waiting for what comes next. 

But we can stand firm in our surrender knowing that

"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right."

Psalm 84:11

This Hasn't Happened Before.

Listen :)

The first thing that drew me to this song was the pretty piano in the beginning, and then as the first lyrics popped up, I was ready to turn it off.

"I will waste my life-- I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me, just to find I'm at Your feet."

Well.. That does not sound very christ like of me does it? But it's true. When we hear about the gospel or even think about telling it to people, we want to make it sound as rewarding, pleasing and attractive as possible, when in reality, following Jesus is one of the hardest journey's to accept-- but, it is the only one that is truly worth anything. The phrase saying, "God i'm willing to waste my life for you, walk through fire and be pressed on every side. To maybe miss out on opportunities, yet, have no regrets of choosing You." The next line goes on to say,

"I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other"

If I didn't want to turn it off before, I did now! Can you imagine Jesus walking up to you doorstep at your house, ring the doorbell and say, "Let's go!". Everything inside me wants to say I would get a huge smile on my face and say "Yes! Jesus I'll go wherever you lead!" But in reality, I feel as if my face would sink as I look behind me and start to think about everything I would have to leave behind. To leave everything that was familiar to me. And then to declare that I will have no other but You. Again, I want to say that I could lift up this praise to God, but I feel like my heart would sing another melody. One that says something like this, " I'll stay right where I'm at, praise Your name, and fall in love with who you say You are, here in this book--comfortably." 

As this is going through my head, the chorus of the song hit, and I started to picture what life would be like, being able to sing these words to Jesus, in all truthfulness.

"I am in love with You-- There is no cost, I am in love with You-- There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name, I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus"

To be completely and totally dependent and satisfied in Jesus. To honestly say that He is your only hope, your only Lover, and that all that He is-- is enough. To freely sing how in love you are with Him with no "lovers" laying around in your heart, prohibiting you from giving yourself completely to Him. To desire to cling onto Him with your life, knowing and trusting that He is the only thing that can save you.

As I starting hearing this, I felt sad. A little bit like the man who asked Jesus how to inherit the kingdom of Heaven, and as Jesus told him he would have to sell all of his possessions, the man walked away sad and disheartened because he was rich and had many possessions. Obviously, everyone wants to inherit the kingdom of Heaven-- but this song made me question-- Is it really all that I want. Is it really what I will "waste my life" pursuing? 

"I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on , yes I'll press on"

How I  desire to be able to sing this song one day-- wholly and completely. I do, desire, to open my hands wide and sing this song as loud as I can, and with every fiber of my heart. 

What a good and gracious God. A God who sees our worship in church, is able to see past the empty words we cry out and raise our hands to; the God who sees beyond our shortcomings and failures and sees His son's righteousness instead. 

I've never been more grateful for that. 

______________________________________________________________________________

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

        - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Not a fan.

I recently started reading the book "Not a fan" by Kyle Idleman, and I can't even put into words the conviction that was placed on my heart. I couldn't really explain what I felt, but for some reason, it came out in poetry! So here lies ugliness of my heart and the goodness of God recorded on paper (well, and the internet now.)
-------------------------

I.. am a fan.
Jesus touched me with His words, showed me truth, opened my eyes to see
Healed my wounds, mended my heart
Showed me what it meant to believe
I will always remember the ways He spoke to me
Songs He wrote for me, prayers prayed over me
For those things helped build my faith
You see, I am a fan.
I've seen Your miracles, watched you move
Felt Your spirit fill the room
Then I'd tell people what I've seen, tell them my stories
convince them to believe..
Little did I know, it became all about me.
I became so impressed with my accumulated knowledge
giving wisdom to the weary, pretending like "I've got this"
In church, I'd stand behind the woman crying out on her knees
Praying right behind her saying "Oh Father, help her please."
Little did I know, I'm the one with the disease
Wearing clothes that say "Jesus LOVES you!" to hide the inner pharisee
Pretty soon, I became a scout for opportunity
searching for souls , that I could restore
to build the reputation of MY ministry
I ran to the confused, kept a look out for the broken
I loved helping the hurt because it made me FEEL like an effective christian
My bookshelves layered with books
that speak of growing in relationship with God
Collecting dust as i touch up my rotting flesh,
counting attendance at my own synagogue..
But I saw the way others praised the Lord,
mentioning His goodness in every sentence
I rolled my eyes, and walked away, my heart too hard for repentance
My ministries started crumbling, my followers became distant
they began blowing this "faith" stuff off- they developed a resistance
"Oh Lord, help them see! Let 'em know the truth will set them free!"
Little did I know, the one at fault here-- Was me.
Too spiritual for a savior, too blind to see the light
Too prideful to raise my hand and admit, Christ has never been the LEADER of my life
I'm a fan. Not a follower. I'm just screaming from the stands,
"Jesus is MY Lord, see how worthy I AM!"
Woe is me, for I have led people astray
claiming to follow Jesus, while leading people my way
God, why would you stay with me, stand by my side?
Forgive me of the madness that i've harbored deep inside?
But then You remind me, Your goodness doesn't stop
just because i've failed  you and forgotten how to walk
BEHIND you, not before you, You were meant to lead the way
You are the perfect Shepard, leading Your sheep to the gate
where lives are made new, hearts made whole
People satisfied in the love of Jesus, declaring HE is their all.
You see, We were never meant to just be admirers,
to just sit in the stands, watching other hearts catch fire
We were MADE to KNOW Him, created to seek His face
to walk right behind Him, give HIM glory and praise
--For no one is righteous, no not ONE of us
We all need redemption: the saving blood of Jesus.
So WASH me in Your purity, take my old life away
Help me drop the habits I'll have to put down everyday
Create in me a NEW heart, one that seeks to please You
I praise You for Your goodness, because God, I really need you.
The blood of Christ has saved my life,
and I will never understand.
But I do know, my name is Kaitlin
and I am not a fan.

The Process

A few words from a devotional I started reading this morning, that intrigued a whole chain of thoughts... :

"There is one Author and there is one Story. And the all-knowing Author knew how the story would end, even as he penned the seas and swarmed them with living creatures, and as He breathed life into the man whose sin would one day nail Him to a tree.

And knowing all of that – knowing that He was creating the plants and yielding the seeds that would one day be his cross, that the beasts of the fields would need to be used as sacrifices for His people – knowing this then, the Author and Creator saw it all and called it good.

But why? It may seem trite to say, but the answer is love. He made the world perfect knowing that it would become imperfect and that He would make it new again. And hard as it may be to believe, He did it for the process. God had the power to skip right to the end, or to never create the world to begin with. But he did create it, and he did it to show Himself to us, that we might know Him. That we might know the breadth and length and height and depth of his love for us (Eph 3:18); that we might experience His grace."

The process. 

God foreknew every action of what His creation would do; how it might retaliate; or even how it might love Him. Although He foreknew His suffering, He did it anyways-- all for the sake of knowing Him!

Though sometimes we look at our trials, hard times or suffering and question God, "What in the world are you doing?!" -- He knows.  It's all about the process.

 If God were to give us all of the answers, solve our problems the minute they happen, or give us the details of our future, all that we would know about God is His divine ability to be a genie. The beauty of the unknown is that in the midst of it, God is making himself known to us.. In the middle of our problems or suffering, God doesn't necessarily take away the problem, but reveals more of His sustaining grace to show us He truly is all that we need.

Think about it...

Without struggling through finances, we wouldn't see that God is our provider, cares about every one of our needs, and will open the skies-- and make a miracle to provide for his kids.

Without heartbreak, we wouldn't realize God is our greatest comforter, healer and lover of every inch of our being

Without the lonely nights of sorrow, we wouldn't experience the overwhelming presence of the Lord's hand resting upon us, whispering words of His love in our ear

Without waiting, we wouldn't be able to see God's promises be fulfilled or rejoice with Him after we've seen Him come through in a mighty way. Our faith would stay flatlined.

Without discomfort, we wouldn't see that comfort comes from resting in Him and His Word, and have the wonderful opportunity to live a life saturated in God's glorious presence.

All in all, without trials or rough seasons, we wouldn't be able to experience God's sufficiency. Oddly, it's in our areas/ times of weakness, that we see His hand reach in and intervene in the most incredible ways. 

So, what are you facing? 

Let's take joy in the fact that whatever our circumstance is , God is going to reveal Himself to us in such a beautiful way. In a way that will change your mind and heart, and help shape you into the person you were created to be. He is working ALL things out for the good of those who love Him. 

Though flashing through our problems would be nice,

It's all about the process. 

You Are

Loneliness. A little bit of insecurity. Cringing at the thought of what is to come.  Stuck in a rut of fearful thoughts. Half- empty instead of half- full. Worried. 

It's on nights like these, in the midst of my little spurts of "despair", I am reminded what a loving Father we have. It's so easy to get sucked under current of fear and hopelessness and forget all that God is, and   what He has promised us. 

God.

My ever present help.

The savior of my soul.

Creator and lover of every fiber of my being.

Provider of all my needs.

Planner of my entire existence.

Ruler over creation.

Interested in the details of my life.

Cares about what I care about.

Decider of my future.

Healer of my wounds.

Author of all good, and perfect things.

Teaches my heart His wonders.

Opens my mind and heart to understand and comprehend His glory.

Counselor.

Understands me completely.

Knows me fully.

Moves mountains and breaks open the skies- Just for His will to be completed.

Satisfies my hunger.

Defends me from all evil.

The NAME above ALL other names.

Holds me within His loving arms.

Speaks words that restore me.

Meets all my needs.

Sees all my desires- and satisfies them with nothing less than His best.

Takes care of me.

My ever present help.

Lord, you are so good.