Thither a Whoring

What an odd name for a blog title right? No worries, I'll explain later.

I've been reading the book of Judges here in the past few weeks, and let me tell you..
It's freakin' awesome.

From the stories of Judge Ehud's sword getting lost in a king's belly fat, to a woman shoving a tent peg through an enemy king's face, to Gideon's army of 300 men totally stomping on the enemy army of 135,000 through the power of God.
WHOA. I'm impressed.

As I was reading through the story of Gideon today, I stumbled across a small, little detail that I normally would have skipped over and just said "That's not a surprise for the Israelites." But it struck me a little different this time.
Here's a little back drop of what was going on during Gideon's time:

Gideon was a timid and shy guy who was commanded by God to go and rescue the Israelites from the Midianites. After three confirming signs from God, Gideon finally gathered up 22,000 men to help fight off the Midianites. But then there is a little twist in the story. God ends up narrowing Gideon's army down to 300 men so that God would be able to show that HE is mighty and sovereign, and capable of the impossible. And that He did! Gideon's army totally wiped out the Midianites. They had gathered so much plunder from the attack, that after Gideon collected one little gold earring from each of the Israelites, he had forty-three pounds of gold. Now, Gideon wanted to make something glorious from the plunder he collected, so he made a sacred Ephod. ( An ephod is a garment worn by priests in the presence of God in the Old Testament. David is seen wearing one while worshipping God in 2 Samuel 6:14).

Now this is where I was caught of guard.
Get this.
So, the Israelites have just witnessed God pretty much hand the Midianites over to them, with no doubt in their minds it was GOD who did it. In return, Gideon makes a lovely garment of praise out of their victorious treasure and then...

"All Israel went thither a whoring after it: which thing became a snare unto Gideon, and to his house."
- Judges 8:27 (KJV)

In other words,

"All the Israelites prostituted themselves by worshipping it."

WHAT idiots. Was my first thought.
I found myself actually laughing at what I just read.
Seriously Israelites? I can just see it in my head playing out like this...

Israel: "Victory to Israel! Hooray! Hooray!"
Gideon: "See here, Israel, I have made a  beautiful Ephod for our city, so we can always gaze upon it and remember the Lord's hand in the victory over the Midianites."
Israel: "Yes! What a grand idea!" (All the sudden the Israelites become British?)
Six minutes later.....
Israel: "Ooooh what a pretty Ephod. What a worthy Ephod. Praise to the Ephod! Praise Praise!"

Okay, so it may or may not have gone like that, but the point is, the Israelites' object of affection switched SO quickly.

God just gave the Israelites the miracle of a lifetime, and blessed them with all the gold, silver and material from the nation. Within a short amount of time, the Israelites are no longer worshipping the God who saved them, they're worshipping articles of CLOTHING!

It's so easy for me to look at the Israelites and say, "Come ON Israelites, quit being idiots!"

And in such a teachable moment, the sweetest Teacher I know is tapping on my shoulder...laughing at me.

I remember learning the 10 commandments when I was younger, and specifically remembering commandment #2, "Thou shall not make for yourself any graven image", as the commandment that didn't apply to us anymore. When in reality, most of us struggle with it daily. 
This commandment usually doesn't affect us because we think "Well, I don't worship a golden calf or a silver shrine like they did in the olden days, so I'm covered."

According to the lovely Webster's dictionary, idolatry is defined as:

: a representation or symbol of an object of worship; broadly: a false god

And also,

: a form or appearance visible but without substance

In other words, an idol is something that has grabbed our attention and caused us to place our hope of satisfaction in IT instead of in our God, who is the only one who can truly satisfy our hearts.And the thing is, we can make idols out of good things, things that God intended to bless us with.
-Marriage-Sex-Beauty -Work-Relationships-Material things-Success
However, when we begin to look to these things to satisfy the emptiness in our hearts, they can easily become idols, or things we worship or devote ourselves to. 
Recently, God revealed to me that  I have made marriage an idol in my heart.Since I was a little girl I have been anxiously awaiting the moment when God brings in the right guy into my life at the right time.  But as I looked a little deeper into that desire, I understood that what I really wanted was a permanent satisfaction guarantee. I wanted permanent fulfillment. In this case, marriage would leave me empty, alone, and completely disappointed. When we begin worshipping these things, we become obsessed with them, we long for them, and we aren't satisfied until they finally satisfy that longing in us that we want filled.But that's just it.That day wont come.

It is God's desire, and His pleasure to satisfy us. Because we are imperfect humans, we long for something greater. We have a hole in our heart that cries out for fulfillment. Some may see it as a burden, but in reality, it anchors us to His presence. It keeps us close to Him. When we feel that aching in our hearts for fulfillment, we can cry out to the one who fills us completely, totally, and wholly. 
Though our society beckons us to put our hope, treasure and anticipation into people and things, we can hold tight to the fact that His satisfaction is greater and more abundant than any other thing. 

I Have Loved You.

Late night.

Feelin' kinda mopey.

Praying that I would feel encouraged in some way or another. 

I pull out a little devotional called Jesus Calling ( if you've never heard of it, or read it, you need to go buy it!).

Anywho, the segment for the day talked about how God likes when we are needy.

He knows that we are in need of vast quantities of encouragement, blessings and provisions-- and He delights  in giving them to us! 

Then, I ran across the verse that I know I have seen a thousand times and usually say "Aww, how sweet God, you love me." But, I realized this verse says so much more about His love.

" Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." 

- Jeremiah 31:3

Notice that the word love, is past tense. 

A set of parents comes to mind.

Over their lifetime, their children constantly approach them with their many requests, problems, accidents, faults and favors. During each one of these events, the parents have to choose their reaction, and how they will be affected by them; whether it be in anger, frustration, kindness, love, exc. 

Often times we think of God this way. That when we approach Him with something, He has to sit there and think about it, and in that moment, choose love. 

But the reality of it is, God is not surprised by what you do. He never has been and He never will be.

He is outside of time-- Our 24 hour day. 

God already CHOSE love when He sent His son to die on a cross so that He could be forever united to His people. 

God has already loved you for a lifetime. He doesn't just choose to everyday based on what you do or don't do.

Midnight Thoughts

** I wrote this October 23, 2013-- And I forgot to post it-- Woops!**

Maybe I’ll read a book.
Maybe I’ll study this.
Anything I can do to pull this heart out of the abyss

Of emptiness. Loneliness. Insecurity at best.

Watching as the time ticks, life-- feeling meaningless.

I look around me at the victories achieved,
Lessons learned, messages received.

And ask quietly within the depths of my heart—Why can’t it be about me?

“Take up your cross and follow me”

Were words not for comfort, but of suffering.
Suffering to become the best YOU you can be

By denying, refusing and saying no to yourself—Daily.

In a world that glorifies self- sufficiency,
my efforts are failing—miserably.

You healed the doubter, the dead, the blind and the lame

With a touch of your hand or the sound of Your name

The demons left without you uttering a word,

For they feared your authority, they knew who you were.

Such miracles, so fascinating, so glorious and majestic
So when I ask you for help in the small things, why do I feel so pathetic?

My heart, my heart. Always confusing it’s place

On the throne in the center or dead beneath the grave

Its all about you, all about your Glory

Its not about me, it’s not my Story.

Help me to find the joys of walking right behind you,

Learning more about your heart, with my eyes fixed on the view

Of the Man who holds my heart, my future and my destiny
So lucky to be found by the One who dearly loves me.

The Underdog.

The Parable of the Barren Fig Tree:
as told by Kaitlin.

Luke 13: 6-9
" A man planted a fig tree in his garden and came again and again to see if there was any fruit on it, but he was always disappointed. Finally, he said to his gardener,  'I've waited three years, and there hasn't been a single fig! Cut it down. It's just taking up space in the garden."

**Pause at this point for commentary thoughts**

"Aggh. Okay, I know what happens next. This is the part where you say 'Chop it down dude! Throw it in the fire!' 
There isn't any room for fruitless trees, I know, I know.

And then as I continue to read, I was baffled by what Jesus (the gardener) said to the man.

"The gardener answered, 'Sir, give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I'll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer. If we get figs, next year, fine. If not, then you can cut it down."

Hmmm. I'm pretty sure I've read this story before, but it has never struck me like this.

Different situations began flooding my mind of times that I treat people like the impatient man yelling at the gardener saying "Cut down the tree already! It's a waste."

Like the person that goes to church that can never seem to 'get it right.'
Those that raise their hands in worship, yet lead a totally different life when they leave the door.
The alcoholic friend who promises a thousand times they'll stop, and they continue.
The needy person who keeps promising to turn their life around, yet continues begging for  your money, a shelter, and food. 
The flaky friend that makes empty promises and commitments that leave you angry and disappointed.
People that do wrong, blasphemous, or violent things under the name of Jesus.
Cut them down Jesus!

But Jesus responded to this man in a way that defies all logic and all reasoning. 
"Let them have just one. more. chance"
"Let me love them, and give them special attention"

All throughout the Bible, Jesus continually roots for the underdog.

un·der·dog

  [uhn-der-dawg, -dog] 

noun

1.	the competitor least likely to win a fight or contest
2.	a person in adversity or in a position of inferiority

Rarely ever does Jesus focus his attention on the 'righteous' or 'religious leaders'. No, He came to save what was lost. Those who were broken. The weak who without Him, had nothing going for them. Those who needed someone just to give them one more chance and rip off the label that declared them to be worthless, purposeless, a waste.

In a world that believes that the "Survival of the Fittest" is the way we should live, it is so easy for us to develop a temperament that screams self achievement,  all the while forgetting about the grace that has pulled us through in the first place.
All of us are broken, and are in desperate need of someone to give us a second chance. 

It's easy to give up on those who have continually disappointed us, yet so hard to realize the amount of times we should have disappointed Jesus. The many times He should have just given up on our stubbornness and moved on to someone who would be more receptive. 
But instead, 
He saw us, and pleaded on our behalves to just have a little more time with us.
A little more time to work on our hearts so that one day they would come to love Him. 

Aye. 

Unfortunately, judgment is so much easier to dish out than grace sometimes. 
But thankfully, Jesus came to restore that in us, and make us a people that choose to be people's advocates rather than their adversaries. 

What a sweet, and a loving 'Gardener' we have in Jesus.

We thank You for always rooting for us: your crazy, messed up kids--
The Underdogs.

A Piece of Gum.

So, if you know anything about me, you know that I used to have a SERIOUS gum addiction. I'm talkin' about a pack a day kind of addiction.

15 Sticks= One Day= In One Mouth, well maybe a few mouths.

Because I was notorious for always having gum, that meant everyone and their mom always knew the go to girl for a good chew.  Well, I had one particular individual that almost every day for two years would say "Do you have gum? Can I have some?" So, very frequently I would pull out a piece of gum (with a fake smile-- Yes, that's right. Don't even lie by telling me you give away gum cheerfully), and say Sure! And give one to them.
I've come a long way though, I no longer have an addiction to gum. However, one night I was really craving some. So, I saw that this person (discussed earlier) was giving out a piece to a friend, so I asked if I could have a piece. This person said "Ahh, here." And ripped a little piece off and gave me 2/3 of a stick. WHAT?! Was my first reaction. So I popped the fragment of gum in my mouth and started thinking: " I have given this person like a thousand pieces of gum, and when I ask for one, I get a little chunk! Hmmph." -.-

Oh, and we all know moments like these are all great teaching opportunities for Jesus. So here he comes with His soft whisper:
" Kaitlin, how often do you give me just a "segment" of what I have given you and blessed you with, when I have given you so much?"
---Yeah Kaitlin, why DO you do that!---
Dang it.
No longer am I disappointed in the person next to me, I'm disappointed in myself!

So often when God asks for something of ours whether it be time, money, a relationship, an opportunity, a possession, we usually do one of two things:
1. But Goooooooood, It's mine.
2. Or, we say okay "Fine." And give him just a small portion that won't compromise our comfort or cause us pain.

Romans 12:1-2 says:
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. ² Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

We are beckoned to give ourselves up as a sacrifice--
The kind He will find acceptable.

Not 1/3, 1/2, or 3/4 of my life-- All of it. 

The true way to worship the Father is through surrender. 
______________________________

sur·ren·der [suh-ren-der]:

verb

1. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield

______________________________

Most would agree that when we are told to surrender our lives to God, the first fear that comes to mind is that God is going to take all the good things away. Which He might..  to replace them with the best things. In the verse above, it talks about giving up our lives to God and letting Him transform us which, in turn, opens the doors for us to know His will for us-- Which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Surrender is usually painful because it is the very thing we don't want. Our flesh wants what our flesh wants. By surrendering, we are laying down our control over these very things and submitting it to the Lord. However, surrender is an act of forming our will to His, which in the end is an incredibly beautiful thing. And like mentioned before-- His will is good, pleasing and perfect.

It comforts me to know that God is always for our good--Especially in the times when He does take something away, and we are left waiting for what comes next. 

But we can stand firm in our surrender knowing that

"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right."

Psalm 84:11

This Hasn't Happened Before.

Listen :)

The first thing that drew me to this song was the pretty piano in the beginning, and then as the first lyrics popped up, I was ready to turn it off.

"I will waste my life-- I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me, just to find I'm at Your feet."

Well.. That does not sound very christ like of me does it? But it's true. When we hear about the gospel or even think about telling it to people, we want to make it sound as rewarding, pleasing and attractive as possible, when in reality, following Jesus is one of the hardest journey's to accept-- but, it is the only one that is truly worth anything. The phrase saying, "God i'm willing to waste my life for you, walk through fire and be pressed on every side. To maybe miss out on opportunities, yet, have no regrets of choosing You." The next line goes on to say,

"I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other"

If I didn't want to turn it off before, I did now! Can you imagine Jesus walking up to you doorstep at your house, ring the doorbell and say, "Let's go!". Everything inside me wants to say I would get a huge smile on my face and say "Yes! Jesus I'll go wherever you lead!" But in reality, I feel as if my face would sink as I look behind me and start to think about everything I would have to leave behind. To leave everything that was familiar to me. And then to declare that I will have no other but You. Again, I want to say that I could lift up this praise to God, but I feel like my heart would sing another melody. One that says something like this, " I'll stay right where I'm at, praise Your name, and fall in love with who you say You are, here in this book--comfortably." 

As this is going through my head, the chorus of the song hit, and I started to picture what life would be like, being able to sing these words to Jesus, in all truthfulness.

"I am in love with You-- There is no cost, I am in love with You-- There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name, I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus"

To be completely and totally dependent and satisfied in Jesus. To honestly say that He is your only hope, your only Lover, and that all that He is-- is enough. To freely sing how in love you are with Him with no "lovers" laying around in your heart, prohibiting you from giving yourself completely to Him. To desire to cling onto Him with your life, knowing and trusting that He is the only thing that can save you.

As I starting hearing this, I felt sad. A little bit like the man who asked Jesus how to inherit the kingdom of Heaven, and as Jesus told him he would have to sell all of his possessions, the man walked away sad and disheartened because he was rich and had many possessions. Obviously, everyone wants to inherit the kingdom of Heaven-- but this song made me question-- Is it really all that I want. Is it really what I will "waste my life" pursuing? 

"I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on , yes I'll press on"

How I  desire to be able to sing this song one day-- wholly and completely. I do, desire, to open my hands wide and sing this song as loud as I can, and with every fiber of my heart. 

What a good and gracious God. A God who sees our worship in church, is able to see past the empty words we cry out and raise our hands to; the God who sees beyond our shortcomings and failures and sees His son's righteousness instead. 

I've never been more grateful for that. 

______________________________________________________________________________

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

        - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Not a fan.

I recently started reading the book "Not a fan" by Kyle Idleman, and I can't even put into words the conviction that was placed on my heart. I couldn't really explain what I felt, but for some reason, it came out in poetry! So here lies ugliness of my heart and the goodness of God recorded on paper (well, and the internet now.)
-------------------------

I.. am a fan.
Jesus touched me with His words, showed me truth, opened my eyes to see
Healed my wounds, mended my heart
Showed me what it meant to believe
I will always remember the ways He spoke to me
Songs He wrote for me, prayers prayed over me
For those things helped build my faith
You see, I am a fan.
I've seen Your miracles, watched you move
Felt Your spirit fill the room
Then I'd tell people what I've seen, tell them my stories
convince them to believe..
Little did I know, it became all about me.
I became so impressed with my accumulated knowledge
giving wisdom to the weary, pretending like "I've got this"
In church, I'd stand behind the woman crying out on her knees
Praying right behind her saying "Oh Father, help her please."
Little did I know, I'm the one with the disease
Wearing clothes that say "Jesus LOVES you!" to hide the inner pharisee
Pretty soon, I became a scout for opportunity
searching for souls , that I could restore
to build the reputation of MY ministry
I ran to the confused, kept a look out for the broken
I loved helping the hurt because it made me FEEL like an effective christian
My bookshelves layered with books
that speak of growing in relationship with God
Collecting dust as i touch up my rotting flesh,
counting attendance at my own synagogue..
But I saw the way others praised the Lord,
mentioning His goodness in every sentence
I rolled my eyes, and walked away, my heart too hard for repentance
My ministries started crumbling, my followers became distant
they began blowing this "faith" stuff off- they developed a resistance
"Oh Lord, help them see! Let 'em know the truth will set them free!"
Little did I know, the one at fault here-- Was me.
Too spiritual for a savior, too blind to see the light
Too prideful to raise my hand and admit, Christ has never been the LEADER of my life
I'm a fan. Not a follower. I'm just screaming from the stands,
"Jesus is MY Lord, see how worthy I AM!"
Woe is me, for I have led people astray
claiming to follow Jesus, while leading people my way
God, why would you stay with me, stand by my side?
Forgive me of the madness that i've harbored deep inside?
But then You remind me, Your goodness doesn't stop
just because i've failed  you and forgotten how to walk
BEHIND you, not before you, You were meant to lead the way
You are the perfect Shepard, leading Your sheep to the gate
where lives are made new, hearts made whole
People satisfied in the love of Jesus, declaring HE is their all.
You see, We were never meant to just be admirers,
to just sit in the stands, watching other hearts catch fire
We were MADE to KNOW Him, created to seek His face
to walk right behind Him, give HIM glory and praise
--For no one is righteous, no not ONE of us
We all need redemption: the saving blood of Jesus.
So WASH me in Your purity, take my old life away
Help me drop the habits I'll have to put down everyday
Create in me a NEW heart, one that seeks to please You
I praise You for Your goodness, because God, I really need you.
The blood of Christ has saved my life,
and I will never understand.
But I do know, my name is Kaitlin
and I am not a fan.