This Hasn't Happened Before.

Listen :)

The first thing that drew me to this song was the pretty piano in the beginning, and then as the first lyrics popped up, I was ready to turn it off.

"I will waste my life-- I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me, just to find I'm at Your feet."

Well.. That does not sound very christ like of me does it? But it's true. When we hear about the gospel or even think about telling it to people, we want to make it sound as rewarding, pleasing and attractive as possible, when in reality, following Jesus is one of the hardest journey's to accept-- but, it is the only one that is truly worth anything. The phrase saying, "God i'm willing to waste my life for you, walk through fire and be pressed on every side. To maybe miss out on opportunities, yet, have no regrets of choosing You." The next line goes on to say,

"I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other"

If I didn't want to turn it off before, I did now! Can you imagine Jesus walking up to you doorstep at your house, ring the doorbell and say, "Let's go!". Everything inside me wants to say I would get a huge smile on my face and say "Yes! Jesus I'll go wherever you lead!" But in reality, I feel as if my face would sink as I look behind me and start to think about everything I would have to leave behind. To leave everything that was familiar to me. And then to declare that I will have no other but You. Again, I want to say that I could lift up this praise to God, but I feel like my heart would sing another melody. One that says something like this, " I'll stay right where I'm at, praise Your name, and fall in love with who you say You are, here in this book--comfortably." 

As this is going through my head, the chorus of the song hit, and I started to picture what life would be like, being able to sing these words to Jesus, in all truthfulness.

"I am in love with You-- There is no cost, I am in love with You-- There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name, I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus"

To be completely and totally dependent and satisfied in Jesus. To honestly say that He is your only hope, your only Lover, and that all that He is-- is enough. To freely sing how in love you are with Him with no "lovers" laying around in your heart, prohibiting you from giving yourself completely to Him. To desire to cling onto Him with your life, knowing and trusting that He is the only thing that can save you.

As I starting hearing this, I felt sad. A little bit like the man who asked Jesus how to inherit the kingdom of Heaven, and as Jesus told him he would have to sell all of his possessions, the man walked away sad and disheartened because he was rich and had many possessions. Obviously, everyone wants to inherit the kingdom of Heaven-- but this song made me question-- Is it really all that I want. Is it really what I will "waste my life" pursuing? 

"I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on , yes I'll press on"

How I  desire to be able to sing this song one day-- wholly and completely. I do, desire, to open my hands wide and sing this song as loud as I can, and with every fiber of my heart. 

What a good and gracious God. A God who sees our worship in church, is able to see past the empty words we cry out and raise our hands to; the God who sees beyond our shortcomings and failures and sees His son's righteousness instead. 

I've never been more grateful for that. 

______________________________________________________________________________

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

        - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Not a fan.

I recently started reading the book "Not a fan" by Kyle Idleman, and I can't even put into words the conviction that was placed on my heart. I couldn't really explain what I felt, but for some reason, it came out in poetry! So here lies ugliness of my heart and the goodness of God recorded on paper (well, and the internet now.)
-------------------------

I.. am a fan.
Jesus touched me with His words, showed me truth, opened my eyes to see
Healed my wounds, mended my heart
Showed me what it meant to believe
I will always remember the ways He spoke to me
Songs He wrote for me, prayers prayed over me
For those things helped build my faith
You see, I am a fan.
I've seen Your miracles, watched you move
Felt Your spirit fill the room
Then I'd tell people what I've seen, tell them my stories
convince them to believe..
Little did I know, it became all about me.
I became so impressed with my accumulated knowledge
giving wisdom to the weary, pretending like "I've got this"
In church, I'd stand behind the woman crying out on her knees
Praying right behind her saying "Oh Father, help her please."
Little did I know, I'm the one with the disease
Wearing clothes that say "Jesus LOVES you!" to hide the inner pharisee
Pretty soon, I became a scout for opportunity
searching for souls , that I could restore
to build the reputation of MY ministry
I ran to the confused, kept a look out for the broken
I loved helping the hurt because it made me FEEL like an effective christian
My bookshelves layered with books
that speak of growing in relationship with God
Collecting dust as i touch up my rotting flesh,
counting attendance at my own synagogue..
But I saw the way others praised the Lord,
mentioning His goodness in every sentence
I rolled my eyes, and walked away, my heart too hard for repentance
My ministries started crumbling, my followers became distant
they began blowing this "faith" stuff off- they developed a resistance
"Oh Lord, help them see! Let 'em know the truth will set them free!"
Little did I know, the one at fault here-- Was me.
Too spiritual for a savior, too blind to see the light
Too prideful to raise my hand and admit, Christ has never been the LEADER of my life
I'm a fan. Not a follower. I'm just screaming from the stands,
"Jesus is MY Lord, see how worthy I AM!"
Woe is me, for I have led people astray
claiming to follow Jesus, while leading people my way
God, why would you stay with me, stand by my side?
Forgive me of the madness that i've harbored deep inside?
But then You remind me, Your goodness doesn't stop
just because i've failed  you and forgotten how to walk
BEHIND you, not before you, You were meant to lead the way
You are the perfect Shepard, leading Your sheep to the gate
where lives are made new, hearts made whole
People satisfied in the love of Jesus, declaring HE is their all.
You see, We were never meant to just be admirers,
to just sit in the stands, watching other hearts catch fire
We were MADE to KNOW Him, created to seek His face
to walk right behind Him, give HIM glory and praise
--For no one is righteous, no not ONE of us
We all need redemption: the saving blood of Jesus.
So WASH me in Your purity, take my old life away
Help me drop the habits I'll have to put down everyday
Create in me a NEW heart, one that seeks to please You
I praise You for Your goodness, because God, I really need you.
The blood of Christ has saved my life,
and I will never understand.
But I do know, my name is Kaitlin
and I am not a fan.

The Process

A few words from a devotional I started reading this morning, that intrigued a whole chain of thoughts... :

"There is one Author and there is one Story. And the all-knowing Author knew how the story would end, even as he penned the seas and swarmed them with living creatures, and as He breathed life into the man whose sin would one day nail Him to a tree.

And knowing all of that – knowing that He was creating the plants and yielding the seeds that would one day be his cross, that the beasts of the fields would need to be used as sacrifices for His people – knowing this then, the Author and Creator saw it all and called it good.

But why? It may seem trite to say, but the answer is love. He made the world perfect knowing that it would become imperfect and that He would make it new again. And hard as it may be to believe, He did it for the process. God had the power to skip right to the end, or to never create the world to begin with. But he did create it, and he did it to show Himself to us, that we might know Him. That we might know the breadth and length and height and depth of his love for us (Eph 3:18); that we might experience His grace."

The process. 

God foreknew every action of what His creation would do; how it might retaliate; or even how it might love Him. Although He foreknew His suffering, He did it anyways-- all for the sake of knowing Him!

Though sometimes we look at our trials, hard times or suffering and question God, "What in the world are you doing?!" -- He knows.  It's all about the process.

 If God were to give us all of the answers, solve our problems the minute they happen, or give us the details of our future, all that we would know about God is His divine ability to be a genie. The beauty of the unknown is that in the midst of it, God is making himself known to us.. In the middle of our problems or suffering, God doesn't necessarily take away the problem, but reveals more of His sustaining grace to show us He truly is all that we need.

Think about it...

Without struggling through finances, we wouldn't see that God is our provider, cares about every one of our needs, and will open the skies-- and make a miracle to provide for his kids.

Without heartbreak, we wouldn't realize God is our greatest comforter, healer and lover of every inch of our being

Without the lonely nights of sorrow, we wouldn't experience the overwhelming presence of the Lord's hand resting upon us, whispering words of His love in our ear

Without waiting, we wouldn't be able to see God's promises be fulfilled or rejoice with Him after we've seen Him come through in a mighty way. Our faith would stay flatlined.

Without discomfort, we wouldn't see that comfort comes from resting in Him and His Word, and have the wonderful opportunity to live a life saturated in God's glorious presence.

All in all, without trials or rough seasons, we wouldn't be able to experience God's sufficiency. Oddly, it's in our areas/ times of weakness, that we see His hand reach in and intervene in the most incredible ways. 

So, what are you facing? 

Let's take joy in the fact that whatever our circumstance is , God is going to reveal Himself to us in such a beautiful way. In a way that will change your mind and heart, and help shape you into the person you were created to be. He is working ALL things out for the good of those who love Him. 

Though flashing through our problems would be nice,

It's all about the process. 

You Are

Loneliness. A little bit of insecurity. Cringing at the thought of what is to come.  Stuck in a rut of fearful thoughts. Half- empty instead of half- full. Worried. 

It's on nights like these, in the midst of my little spurts of "despair", I am reminded what a loving Father we have. It's so easy to get sucked under current of fear and hopelessness and forget all that God is, and   what He has promised us. 

God.

My ever present help.

The savior of my soul.

Creator and lover of every fiber of my being.

Provider of all my needs.

Planner of my entire existence.

Ruler over creation.

Interested in the details of my life.

Cares about what I care about.

Decider of my future.

Healer of my wounds.

Author of all good, and perfect things.

Teaches my heart His wonders.

Opens my mind and heart to understand and comprehend His glory.

Counselor.

Understands me completely.

Knows me fully.

Moves mountains and breaks open the skies- Just for His will to be completed.

Satisfies my hunger.

Defends me from all evil.

The NAME above ALL other names.

Holds me within His loving arms.

Speaks words that restore me.

Meets all my needs.

Sees all my desires- and satisfies them with nothing less than His best.

Takes care of me.

My ever present help.

Lord, you are so good. 

Trust Me.

It's Christmas Eve--Woohoo! :) Tonight was our church's Christmas Eve service and I got to sing O Holy Night with my mom. After coming home, God really began to teach me a lesson through tonight's performance.

After many many years of singing in front of people, you would think that my stage fright would have slowly gone away,

Nope. 

Any time I'm given the opportunity to sing, I get super nervous. My throat constricts, I start shaking, and my stomach hurts. This song happened to be in a higher key, so I was even more anxious because I had a 70% chance of majorly voice cracking, and that made me even more nervous. 

So of course, I start begging God to take away the nervousness and to strengthen me as I sing. So my mentality during our first service of singing is to hold the microphone as far away from my mouth as possible "just in case" I mess up-- Then, no one would really notice!  After the service, I didn't really feel like I did very well, and then like, 15 people came up to me saying they couldn't hear me and I was really quiet. A lot of people encouraged me to be confident and actually sing into the mic so people could hear. So, the second service I did. As I started to sing, I felt a strong peace come over me and I felt a deep assurance, and I felt a whole lot better about the second performance.

But, the real lesson I learned from this whole experience was that when God calls us to go out of our comfort zone, or ask us to do something that may entail us failing, our response should be to trust Him: trust that He'll help us succeed, trust that He has a purpose when we feel as if we failed, and trust that the outcome of whatever we're asked to do is in HIS control. To be honest, my instinct when He calls me to something  is to make a "detour plan" to where I can semi do what God is calling me to do, but do it to the minimum so that no one knows if I'm wrong, or if I fail.

 Tonight I learned that God cannot show is His strength in our weakness, if we refuse to ACT in faith, and take that first step. 

Imagine if Peter had never walked on the water with Jesus. 

Peter: Lord, if it's you, tell me to come out on the water!

Jesus: Come!

(Peter thinks, 'If I get out of this boat, I might sink and look like an idiot. I might fail.)

Peter: I trust you Jesus! But I'm gonna stay here in the boat!

The story just wouldn't be the same. Though Peter did sink shortly after He stepped out because of His fear, He still took that first step. 

Fear will always try to steal our attention and slowly plant seeds of lies that say God will not provide, protect or come thru on what He's promised. But, when we chose to uproot those lies, and instead listen to the faultless and powerful words of God, we will be the few to truly see His mighty power at work in us.

_____

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." 

-2 Timothy 1:7

Peace Out, Superwoman

In the heart of every woman, is the desire to be.. well.. superwoman.

 From the time we are young teenagers we envision the ways in which the men in our lives will look at us and say, "Wow. She has it all. Beauty, brains, health, strength, dignity...She rocks." Yes, too bad superwoman doesn't exist and half the women don't realize it, including me.
I can no longer uphold this false reality that I have it all together and that I'm strong, because in all reality, i'm not. I so badly wish to be that woman that isn't, ooh it's so hard to say, weak. No woman wants that image of being a helpless and conflicted person. We want to be bold, happy, please everyone and have everything in our lives stored in perfect little boxes.
 God has shown me through SO many things this year that I will never be that woman.
Not because I couldn't be, but because I was never intended to be. That's the beauty of God's grace. My identity is not found in the amount of activities I can juggle, emotions I can mask like a pro, faith I can have, wisdom I can acquire, strength I can have in times of despair, or deeds I can tell people about.
 In fact, I feel like God has counteracted all of them.

1. When I try and juggle too many things at once, I break down and ball like a baby over my stress level and bite everyone's head off when they bother me.
2. In attempt to mask my emotions, I bottle them up, and end up cursing and crying over something stupid like stubbing my toe... in front of people.
3. In times of despair, I've been known to blame God and yell, scream and cry at Him, begging Him to take it away.

Sorry self, I'm disappointed to say this superwoman doesn't exist.

When I attempt to find my identity in myself and what I can do well, I end up feeling defeated, worthless and completely useless.

I constantly am reminded that my identity is found in the man much greater that I. One who looked down on me in my most helpless, disgusting state and said "I have come to give you life, and have it to the full." Haha. Me? The whiny cry baby who mopes around when things don't go my way AND blames this "giver of life?" Yes, her.

My Identity is found in that when I was still completely in the dark in sin, Christ died for me, knowing full well the flaws I would have and the mistakes I would make. My identity is hidden in Christ, because HE makes me whole, HE is all that I am not and all that I can never be. His grace covers my shame, guilt and insufficiency and He clothes me with strength.

Thank you Jesus, for taking me and my dopy self, saving, restoring and healing me, and leading me through these somewhat difficult processes of discovering its not about me, but its all about you.

Surrender Is Where It Starts

God laid the gist of these words on my heart today saying that I have a choice to surrender my pride, fear, and desires of being self-sufficient and rest in my identity in Him  or I can surrender to the battle or temptation that encompasses me because I tried to fight it alone.
The ultimate battle is the battle for my heart: Who will I place on the throne of my heart today?

In the midst of this struggle
all that I can do
Is press forward and keep on fighting
while trying not to lose
With weapons raised, and shots fired
my instincts say to hide
But all that fear has taught me
is how to turn a blind eye
Clothed in defeat, I stand alone
with an army coming my way
Taunting, laughing, marching on
holding chains that say my name
With this, I am so familiar--For I see this everyday
An enemy that desires to have my heart
and use it as a tool,
to convince me of lies, bow to his desires
and place him on a throne to rule
My efforts fail, my heart--too frail, to keep on fighting through
I lift my hands, let out a cry, "Jesus! Come to my rescue.."
The army screams, falls down to its' knees
and the enemy quickly departs
He says, "My child, this isn't a battle of flesh and blood
It's a battle to win your heart. 
--Surrender Is Where It Starts."