This Hasn't Happened Before.

Listen :)

The first thing that drew me to this song was the pretty piano in the beginning, and then as the first lyrics popped up, I was ready to turn it off.

"I will waste my life-- I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me, just to find I'm at Your feet."

Well.. That does not sound very christ like of me does it? But it's true. When we hear about the gospel or even think about telling it to people, we want to make it sound as rewarding, pleasing and attractive as possible, when in reality, following Jesus is one of the hardest journey's to accept-- but, it is the only one that is truly worth anything. The phrase saying, "God i'm willing to waste my life for you, walk through fire and be pressed on every side. To maybe miss out on opportunities, yet, have no regrets of choosing You." The next line goes on to say,

"I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other"

If I didn't want to turn it off before, I did now! Can you imagine Jesus walking up to you doorstep at your house, ring the doorbell and say, "Let's go!". Everything inside me wants to say I would get a huge smile on my face and say "Yes! Jesus I'll go wherever you lead!" But in reality, I feel as if my face would sink as I look behind me and start to think about everything I would have to leave behind. To leave everything that was familiar to me. And then to declare that I will have no other but You. Again, I want to say that I could lift up this praise to God, but I feel like my heart would sing another melody. One that says something like this, " I'll stay right where I'm at, praise Your name, and fall in love with who you say You are, here in this book--comfortably." 

As this is going through my head, the chorus of the song hit, and I started to picture what life would be like, being able to sing these words to Jesus, in all truthfulness.

"I am in love with You-- There is no cost, I am in love with You-- There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name, I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus"

To be completely and totally dependent and satisfied in Jesus. To honestly say that He is your only hope, your only Lover, and that all that He is-- is enough. To freely sing how in love you are with Him with no "lovers" laying around in your heart, prohibiting you from giving yourself completely to Him. To desire to cling onto Him with your life, knowing and trusting that He is the only thing that can save you.

As I starting hearing this, I felt sad. A little bit like the man who asked Jesus how to inherit the kingdom of Heaven, and as Jesus told him he would have to sell all of his possessions, the man walked away sad and disheartened because he was rich and had many possessions. Obviously, everyone wants to inherit the kingdom of Heaven-- but this song made me question-- Is it really all that I want. Is it really what I will "waste my life" pursuing? 

"I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on , yes I'll press on"

How I  desire to be able to sing this song one day-- wholly and completely. I do, desire, to open my hands wide and sing this song as loud as I can, and with every fiber of my heart. 

What a good and gracious God. A God who sees our worship in church, is able to see past the empty words we cry out and raise our hands to; the God who sees beyond our shortcomings and failures and sees His son's righteousness instead. 

I've never been more grateful for that. 

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"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

        - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Not a fan.

I recently started reading the book "Not a fan" by Kyle Idleman, and I can't even put into words the conviction that was placed on my heart. I couldn't really explain what I felt, but for some reason, it came out in poetry! So here lies ugliness of my heart and the goodness of God recorded on paper (well, and the internet now.)
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I.. am a fan.
Jesus touched me with His words, showed me truth, opened my eyes to see
Healed my wounds, mended my heart
Showed me what it meant to believe
I will always remember the ways He spoke to me
Songs He wrote for me, prayers prayed over me
For those things helped build my faith
You see, I am a fan.
I've seen Your miracles, watched you move
Felt Your spirit fill the room
Then I'd tell people what I've seen, tell them my stories
convince them to believe..
Little did I know, it became all about me.
I became so impressed with my accumulated knowledge
giving wisdom to the weary, pretending like "I've got this"
In church, I'd stand behind the woman crying out on her knees
Praying right behind her saying "Oh Father, help her please."
Little did I know, I'm the one with the disease
Wearing clothes that say "Jesus LOVES you!" to hide the inner pharisee
Pretty soon, I became a scout for opportunity
searching for souls , that I could restore
to build the reputation of MY ministry
I ran to the confused, kept a look out for the broken
I loved helping the hurt because it made me FEEL like an effective christian
My bookshelves layered with books
that speak of growing in relationship with God
Collecting dust as i touch up my rotting flesh,
counting attendance at my own synagogue..
But I saw the way others praised the Lord,
mentioning His goodness in every sentence
I rolled my eyes, and walked away, my heart too hard for repentance
My ministries started crumbling, my followers became distant
they began blowing this "faith" stuff off- they developed a resistance
"Oh Lord, help them see! Let 'em know the truth will set them free!"
Little did I know, the one at fault here-- Was me.
Too spiritual for a savior, too blind to see the light
Too prideful to raise my hand and admit, Christ has never been the LEADER of my life
I'm a fan. Not a follower. I'm just screaming from the stands,
"Jesus is MY Lord, see how worthy I AM!"
Woe is me, for I have led people astray
claiming to follow Jesus, while leading people my way
God, why would you stay with me, stand by my side?
Forgive me of the madness that i've harbored deep inside?
But then You remind me, Your goodness doesn't stop
just because i've failed  you and forgotten how to walk
BEHIND you, not before you, You were meant to lead the way
You are the perfect Shepard, leading Your sheep to the gate
where lives are made new, hearts made whole
People satisfied in the love of Jesus, declaring HE is their all.
You see, We were never meant to just be admirers,
to just sit in the stands, watching other hearts catch fire
We were MADE to KNOW Him, created to seek His face
to walk right behind Him, give HIM glory and praise
--For no one is righteous, no not ONE of us
We all need redemption: the saving blood of Jesus.
So WASH me in Your purity, take my old life away
Help me drop the habits I'll have to put down everyday
Create in me a NEW heart, one that seeks to please You
I praise You for Your goodness, because God, I really need you.
The blood of Christ has saved my life,
and I will never understand.
But I do know, my name is Kaitlin
and I am not a fan.