Trust Me.

It's Christmas Eve--Woohoo! :) Tonight was our church's Christmas Eve service and I got to sing O Holy Night with my mom. After coming home, God really began to teach me a lesson through tonight's performance.

After many many years of singing in front of people, you would think that my stage fright would have slowly gone away,

Nope. 

Any time I'm given the opportunity to sing, I get super nervous. My throat constricts, I start shaking, and my stomach hurts. This song happened to be in a higher key, so I was even more anxious because I had a 70% chance of majorly voice cracking, and that made me even more nervous. 

So of course, I start begging God to take away the nervousness and to strengthen me as I sing. So my mentality during our first service of singing is to hold the microphone as far away from my mouth as possible "just in case" I mess up-- Then, no one would really notice!  After the service, I didn't really feel like I did very well, and then like, 15 people came up to me saying they couldn't hear me and I was really quiet. A lot of people encouraged me to be confident and actually sing into the mic so people could hear. So, the second service I did. As I started to sing, I felt a strong peace come over me and I felt a deep assurance, and I felt a whole lot better about the second performance.

But, the real lesson I learned from this whole experience was that when God calls us to go out of our comfort zone, or ask us to do something that may entail us failing, our response should be to trust Him: trust that He'll help us succeed, trust that He has a purpose when we feel as if we failed, and trust that the outcome of whatever we're asked to do is in HIS control. To be honest, my instinct when He calls me to something  is to make a "detour plan" to where I can semi do what God is calling me to do, but do it to the minimum so that no one knows if I'm wrong, or if I fail.

 Tonight I learned that God cannot show is His strength in our weakness, if we refuse to ACT in faith, and take that first step. 

Imagine if Peter had never walked on the water with Jesus. 

Peter: Lord, if it's you, tell me to come out on the water!

Jesus: Come!

(Peter thinks, 'If I get out of this boat, I might sink and look like an idiot. I might fail.)

Peter: I trust you Jesus! But I'm gonna stay here in the boat!

The story just wouldn't be the same. Though Peter did sink shortly after He stepped out because of His fear, He still took that first step. 

Fear will always try to steal our attention and slowly plant seeds of lies that say God will not provide, protect or come thru on what He's promised. But, when we chose to uproot those lies, and instead listen to the faultless and powerful words of God, we will be the few to truly see His mighty power at work in us.

_____

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." 

-2 Timothy 1:7

Peace Out, Superwoman

In the heart of every woman, is the desire to be.. well.. superwoman.

 From the time we are young teenagers we envision the ways in which the men in our lives will look at us and say, "Wow. She has it all. Beauty, brains, health, strength, dignity...She rocks." Yes, too bad superwoman doesn't exist and half the women don't realize it, including me.
I can no longer uphold this false reality that I have it all together and that I'm strong, because in all reality, i'm not. I so badly wish to be that woman that isn't, ooh it's so hard to say, weak. No woman wants that image of being a helpless and conflicted person. We want to be bold, happy, please everyone and have everything in our lives stored in perfect little boxes.
 God has shown me through SO many things this year that I will never be that woman.
Not because I couldn't be, but because I was never intended to be. That's the beauty of God's grace. My identity is not found in the amount of activities I can juggle, emotions I can mask like a pro, faith I can have, wisdom I can acquire, strength I can have in times of despair, or deeds I can tell people about.
 In fact, I feel like God has counteracted all of them.

1. When I try and juggle too many things at once, I break down and ball like a baby over my stress level and bite everyone's head off when they bother me.
2. In attempt to mask my emotions, I bottle them up, and end up cursing and crying over something stupid like stubbing my toe... in front of people.
3. In times of despair, I've been known to blame God and yell, scream and cry at Him, begging Him to take it away.

Sorry self, I'm disappointed to say this superwoman doesn't exist.

When I attempt to find my identity in myself and what I can do well, I end up feeling defeated, worthless and completely useless.

I constantly am reminded that my identity is found in the man much greater that I. One who looked down on me in my most helpless, disgusting state and said "I have come to give you life, and have it to the full." Haha. Me? The whiny cry baby who mopes around when things don't go my way AND blames this "giver of life?" Yes, her.

My Identity is found in that when I was still completely in the dark in sin, Christ died for me, knowing full well the flaws I would have and the mistakes I would make. My identity is hidden in Christ, because HE makes me whole, HE is all that I am not and all that I can never be. His grace covers my shame, guilt and insufficiency and He clothes me with strength.

Thank you Jesus, for taking me and my dopy self, saving, restoring and healing me, and leading me through these somewhat difficult processes of discovering its not about me, but its all about you.

Surrender Is Where It Starts

God laid the gist of these words on my heart today saying that I have a choice to surrender my pride, fear, and desires of being self-sufficient and rest in my identity in Him  or I can surrender to the battle or temptation that encompasses me because I tried to fight it alone.
The ultimate battle is the battle for my heart: Who will I place on the throne of my heart today?

In the midst of this struggle
all that I can do
Is press forward and keep on fighting
while trying not to lose
With weapons raised, and shots fired
my instincts say to hide
But all that fear has taught me
is how to turn a blind eye
Clothed in defeat, I stand alone
with an army coming my way
Taunting, laughing, marching on
holding chains that say my name
With this, I am so familiar--For I see this everyday
An enemy that desires to have my heart
and use it as a tool,
to convince me of lies, bow to his desires
and place him on a throne to rule
My efforts fail, my heart--too frail, to keep on fighting through
I lift my hands, let out a cry, "Jesus! Come to my rescue.."
The army screams, falls down to its' knees
and the enemy quickly departs
He says, "My child, this isn't a battle of flesh and blood
It's a battle to win your heart. 
--Surrender Is Where It Starts."